Understanding the nature of boundaries is key to youth-adult partnerships
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EmailSetting healthy boundaries in youth-adult partnerships begins with an understanding of how they work.
Boundaries – every person has them and every person wants others to respect them. Formally establishing them, however, may seem like a daunting task for a volunteer trying to form a relationship with youth. When setting boundaries, volunteers must consider organizational rules, personal preferences, societal expectations and the well-being of the youth.
Young people learn about boundaries by watching adults. Youth see how we interact with others and often mimic these behaviors. For this reason, volunteers should model proper boundaries, help young people set their own limits and provide positive reinforcement by respecting youth boundaries. Youth are particularly concerned with having their boundaries respected. When volunteers ask young people personal questions too early in the relationship, the most common response is silence. Therefore, volunteers must remember to also respect the young person’s need for privacy.
Having and setting boundaries are two different things. If a person has ever felt used or walked on, chances are that their boundaries were crossed, perhaps because the boundaries were not set and reinforced at the onset of the relationship. We convey our boundaries with others through verbal and nonverbal communication.
Here are a few examples:
- Marcus steps back when someone invades his personal space.
- Kenisha stiffens up when someone offers an unwelcome hug or sign of affection.
- Molly’s facial expression shows disdain for language that she finds to be offensive.
- Susan ends a social networking friendship with a colleague who frequently posts political opinions.
- Jose interrupts the conversation if someone starts to share “too much information.”
- Kea tells people not to call after a certain time at night.
- Harold does not respond to work requests outside of work hours.
Our boundaries generally vary between relationships. For instance, consider boundaries related to personal space. You likely have people in your life with whom you are comfortable standing or sitting in close proximity to, while there are others that you prefer to keep at a greater distance. It is also important to note that we all have different boundaries. Some people have very rigid boundaries about their time, while others are rarely concerned with time. Every person has their own comfort level with different behaviors – that comfort level changes depending on the context of the relationship.
An added layer to the boundaries conversation is that of social and professional expectations. A person may not have strong boundaries regarding punctuality, however, in their professional life, that person may need to adjust to meet professional requirements for being on-time.
Volunteers should also be prepared for young people to test boundaries. Testing boundaries is natural – it’s how we learn about the expectations of a relationship. When a boundary is crossed, it should be addressed in a caring way. Young people are not the only ones who test boundaries – their parents may test boundaries, too.
Boundaries may be tested by:
- Expecting volunteers or staff to respond immediately outside of program hours.
- Asking for rule bending “just this once.”
- Asking volunteers or staff to keep secrets from parents or program leadership.
- Arguing rules or policies repeatedly after they’ve been explained.
- Making jokes or comments to see what language or humor is tolerated.
To learn more, watch the “Friendly but Firm: Boundaries that Make Volunteering Better” webinar from the Michigan 4-H Volunteer Webinar Series. Michigan State University Extension also offers a variety of resources for volunteer managers and trainings for volunteers related to setting boundaries in the Ready to Go: Volunteer Training Toolkit curriculum.
