MSU Extension Healthy Relationships

One of the best ways to take care of yourself is to build and sustain healthy relationships. Friendships can affect our health just as much as physical activity and nutrition. While maintaining healthy relationships is important, it might not always be the first thing we think of when leading a healthy life. Therefore, it can be helpful to put intentional effort and planning into our relationships.    

How friendships support our well-being   

Having multiple trusting relationships can lower our stress levels. Simply knowing that there are people you can call at the end of a hard day can help us better cope with stress. Furthermore, being able to talk with others to feel heard and understood is good for working through stressors. Those who are close to us can also see when we might be struggling with something and check in with us even when it is hard for us to reach out to them.   

In addition to an available listening ear, friends can support our health by providing practical help. Having a network of people who can drive you to a doctor’s appointment, drop off a hot meal or watch your children for an evening can further help you manage life’s daily stressors and ensure your physical health needs are met as well.  

Supportive relationships can also better our health through the sharing of information. Trusted people in our lives will be able to suggest reliable resources and services. They can also offer encouragement and suggestions to help lessen the stress around life events like starting a new job, becoming a parent or getting a diagnosis.  

There are times in our lives when we might have less support or could be on our own for various reasons. We might be able to manage like this for a while, but feeling alone can place a lot of stress on our bodies and minds. Long-term or frequent bouts of loneliness can increase our risk for heart disease and mental illness. That is why it is important to keep in mind our social well-being as much as we do our physical well-being.   

Building healthy friendships   

Friendships come in many forms. Friends can include family, colleagues, neighbors or people you share an interest with. Friendship is a type of relationship in which we care about and help fill the needs of the other person and that person cares about and fills some need of ours. Having mutual consideration, understanding and trust is key to a healthy friendship.    

How close you are to each friend may differ, and the number of friendships you have may vary naturally during different phases of your life. What is important for your health is working to maintain at least a few close relationships throughout your life. Quality is better than quantity when it comes to our friendships.    

While we do not need to have a lot of friends to feel supported, it is good for our social health to remain open to creating new friendships. To do this, we can start by reaching out to those who are already part of our lives. It could be reconnecting with an old classmate, attending a community event or meeting friends of friends. When speaking with potential friends, we should focus on listening more than speaking, sharing some personal experiences, and being kind. Since friendship is about mutual care, building friendships starts with treating others how we want our friends to treat us.   

Maintaining healthy friendships   

While long-term friends are often there for us no matter what, maintaining that mutual care for one another requires us to continue to reflect and work on how we show up as part of that relationship. Maintaining close, healthy relationships over time requires some effort on our part even if our friend is doing their part. There are specific traits that we can reflect on when we want to better our friendships that deal with integrity, caring, and congeniality.    

If a relationship needs some care and maintenance, we can consider the trust the other person has in us. There are many ways to build trust in our relationships:   

• Follow through on what you say you will do. If you cannot for some reason, apologize and be honest about why.   
• Be open with the person. Share your real thoughts and opinions with them.   
• Respond to communication from the person. Make the person a priority and designate times to message, text, call or see them.   

To improve the level of care in our friendships, we can try the following:   

• Listen nonjudgmentally. Give the person space to talk and acknowledge their feelings even if you do not agree.  
• Remember what they say and follow up with them to check on them and ask questions.
• Celebrate the good times with them and support them during tough times.  

Another way we can maintain healthy relationships is through congeniality or sociability. This trait is about how enjoyable we are to spend time with. We can improve this in our friendships by focusing on the following:   

• Have positive interactions with our friends. While we do not always have to be in our best mood, if we are always negative and complaining, friends might be reluctant to spend a lot of time with us.  
• Bring some fun to your interactions. Suggest new activities and be a bit spontaneous to create playful and joyful moments.  

After reviewing the ways that we show up in a relationship, if there is still room for improvement, then there are a few other steps we can take. First, we should define our needs for each relationship that we want to improve. Once we have a clear need determined, then we can share that need with the person in a calm, direct way. Depending on the need and the current state of your relationship with the person, this might include setting a boundary. The key to boundary setting is making it about what you will do, not what the other person needs to do.  

For example, if you have a friend who often calls you when they need help with something, you can tell them that you are willing to help them with practical things like moving, but that you are not willing to give them money. In this scenario, you are not telling your friend that they must stop calling you or asking for things; you are telling them what you will or will not do in a certain situation.    

Sometimes boundaries may include ending or restricting a relationship. If you find that you have worked on how you show up in a relationship, clarified your needs and set and held healthy boundaries but things still are not going well, it might be time to limit or end that relationship. Ending a friendship that is not beneficial to you, or even one that is harmful, will lessen your stress in the long term and open more time and energy for relationships that support your health and well-being.  

There are many things we can do to manage our stress and improve our health. Maybe you have been focusing on work-life balance, good sleep practices or fitting in some extra physical activity. These are all great things you can do, but if you have not given much thought to your friendships recently, trying some of the steps in this article may further help your wellness journey.

If you are looking for other ways to better manage your stress and improve your health and well-being, Michigan State University Extension has a variety of programs to help with those goals. Check out the Mindfulness for Better Living suite of programs to learn more.