MSU Extension Healthy Relationships

“To make a difference in someone’s life, you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect. You just have to care.” – Mandy Hale

It can be uncomfortable to spend time with someone who has experienced the recent loss of a loved one. We might feel like we don’t have the right words or that there is nothing we can do to ease the pain. This sense of doubt can make us feel useless or foolish.

Our unease and hesitancy may be heightened when the loss is due to suicide. Following a suicide loss, it may be even more difficult to reach out, due to fear that we will somehow make it worse. Even knowing that the person who has experienced the loss needs support, we can still find ourselves avoiding conservation about the deceased person or avoiding entirely the people who suffered the loss. We want to help, but we don’t always know how.   

If we do engage in conversation about the loss, we might lean on common sayings like, “They’re in a better place now,” or “Their suffering is over.” While well intentioned, saying things like this can come across as placating or unempathetic. These phrases don’t properly acknowledge one’s grief and loss. When someone doesn’t feel understood, it can make it more difficult for them to talk about the emotions they are experiencing and increase their feelings of isolation, making this painful time even harder.

How to help

There are many helpful recommendations to guide our efforts in providing support for those who have experienced a suicide loss.

The most important thing is to be present. Be willing to just listen. Accept that you will likely feel uncomfortable, and that’s okay. You don’t have to have any answers. While it may feel counter-intuitive, you also don’t have to make them feel better. The person is going to grieve no matter what we say or do. The best thing we can do at this time is to hold space for them so they don’t have to grieve alone. It can be as simple as going for a walk with them, watching TV or listening to music together. 

Instead of saying something like, “Let me know if I can help,” offer something specific. Depending on your relationship with them, this might be buying them groceries, bringing a meal or offering to babysit their children. Even taking their dog for a walk can be a helpful and supportive action. By offering specific actions you can take to help rather than asking the other person what they need is important because it is often very difficult to process information when we are in pain. 

Recognize that their life is forever different. When the shock wears off, whether that be in in weeks or months, they will still have a lot of complicated emotions to sort through. Anniversaries, holidays or other special dates may be especially difficult to navigate. Keep checking in with the person. Let them know you still care and are still there for them. Ensure that they know you are here to listen, whether that is today, next month or next year.

When you check in, gently remind them to practice self-care. Self-care can include basic daily things and more involved activities. For the basics, ask them if they are eating and sleeping. Some might find professional therapy and support groups to be especially helpful as they navigate this complicated process. Ask them if they have considered this and offer to help them find these resources and go with them if they need that additional support.

Another resource is the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, which offers a service called Healing Conversations. This program will connect survivors of suicide loss to trained volunteers who have also experienced a similar loss.

Speak their loved one’s name. Although there is often a fear that speaking of that person will cause more pain, it can feel as if everyone forgot about them when their name is no longer mentioned. Speaking of their loved one allows them to feel comfortable enough to talk about them with you. It gives them the opportunity to reminisce, and to process their feelings.

As you continue to provide support, be aware of any potential warning signs that they may be experiencing suicidal thoughts. The psychological trauma and pain of experiencing a suicide loss can foster suicidal ideation in survivors. The risk of depression and substance misuse increases following the loss of a partner or close family member, which may also contribute to suicidal thoughts. If you notice any signs of potential suicide risk, call or text 988. The National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline can provide you with support and resources to connect the person you are supporting with help.

During all of your interactions with this person, a key thing to remember is to be genuine in your concern and care. It is okay to say that you don’t understand or to admit that you don’t know what to say or do.  There is no expectation of perfection, and offering to be there and continuing to check in is enough. Loneliness is often one of the hardest experiences of grief.

Ways to connect with Michigan State University Extension

Michigan State University Extension offers a variety of programming and resources to support yourself or loved ones undergoing mental health distress. MSU Extension offers programs such as Mental Health First Aid, which can teach you how to support someone who is experiencing a mental health challenge or crisis.

For those in the agriculture industry and their families, where suicide rates remain high, resources and information can be found at the Managing Farm Stress website. These resources include teletherapy services, the free virtual training Rural Resilience and much more.